Today has been an amazing day! Today, angels rejoiced and God’s heart skipped a beat for ME…..Kathy…the person who believed, for far too many years, that she was not important or loved or wanted. Why would God, Creator of the Universe, lovingly gaze upon me and proudly say, “That’s my girl!”? Let’s go back a few years and look at the journey that brought me here to this day.
My life has been filled with people who have told me, who have convinced me that I was worthless. I grew up in an abusive home. Daily I was reminded that nothing that I ever did would be good enough. I desperately wanted to be loved. I desperately wanted to belong. I studied hard at school to be sure to bring home an ‘A’ in every subject. I was well-behaved and never really got into trouble. I took care of my little brother to allow my mother to sleep in as she stayed up late at night and liked to sleep in until noon. I did my chores and even extra chores and it would still never be enough. During this time of my life, the only thing that I really had was God and my Bible. Never being allowed out of my room and only allowed 30 min of TV or radio per day left plenty of time to get to read the Bible. During this time, as a young child, I went forward in church to ‘accept Jesus as my Savior’ and was baptized. I was a kid. I was following the crowd. I desperately wanted to be loved and accepted but I really did not know what it meant. I was baptized because my friend was baptized. There was no real transformation.
Fast forward several more years. Now, I am a teenager and attending a different church. Through this church, I found what I my heart truly desired. This is the point that I know I truly accepted Jesus as my Savior. This is when I knew that God was speaking to my heart and simply saying, “I love you! I want you! Please hear me and know that I have paid the price for you and want to spend an eternity with you!”. I sobbed. My heart was so broken and I remember asking God, “How can you love me? How could you want me?” You see, everyone else in my life rejected me. Everyone else in my life told me that I would never amount to anything and would never be enough. The joy that I felt was overwhelming. The peace that flooded my heart was like nothing that I had ever experienced. For the first time in a very long time, I wanted to live and no longer prayed that God would just end everyone’s misery and just let me die.
Did this mean that suddenly my life was better? No.
Did this mean that there was no more abuse? No. Actually, I left the abuse found in my childhood and married an abusive man who was even worse for almost 10 years, but that is a post for another day.
Did this mean that I never strayed off the path? Absolutely not! (More about that to come)
Did this mean that I never cried again at night wishing that I would not wake up the next day? Unfortunately, no.
It did mean, however, that I was, and still am, His.
Now for the rest of the journey that led me to today. The next 13 years or so were quite the roller coaster. I was in an awful and dangerous marriage for most of it, and when I finally divorced him, I was very angry at God and church. I blamed the church for me being trapped in a dangerous marriage for so long because it was ‘the right thing to do’ since I had become pregnant out of wedlock. During this time, I shook my fist towards Heaven and then turned my back on God. I began to question everything that I believed. When your eyes are no longer focused on the one true God, then it becomes easy for doubt to slip in and cause you to question everything. I walked down a path that I am not proud of today, but am grateful for because, even through those times, God continued to love me and call me. He sought after me and patiently waited for me to turn and around and see Him standing there with arms wide open. That period of time has given me a new perspective on God and His love for me. It was this path that led me to my husband, the one that I have no doubt that God intended for me. (That, too, is a post for another day.)
Fast forward a few more years. I was pregnant with my oldest son when I really started to hear God’s voice again. I was overwhelmed with this feeling of responsibility for ensuring that my children know God…..not just know OF God. At this point I was so far off the path that the only way that I knew how to get there was to start attending church. Over the last 10+ years, God has led us to 3 different churches, all of which served specific purposes in our lives. Each one was being used by God to lead us the place that we are at today. During this time, I have come to know God in a way that I never knew possible. I know that I am loved. I know that I am wanted. I know that He CHASED after me all of those years. (It is this reason that I am overcome with emotion and my heart is full when I sing the song “Reckless Love”) As my relationship with Jesus has deepened, the more that He has reminded me that I have been commanded to publicly declare my faith.
This is why the angels rejoiced today. Today, I was baptized. Today, I showed the world that Jesus is my Savior and my old self was buried all those years ago and I am new. Today, I showed the world that I am wanted; I am loved; I am sought after.
And the best part? You are too!!!!!
The Journey 